Separate and Connected: Human Boundaries and How They Work
By Anné Linden
Published by Crown House, Ltd.,
Wales 2007
Reviewed by Judith E. Pearson, Ph.D.
Boundaries are “…that
intangible distinction between our inner and outer worlds,
between ourselves and others.” These distinctions create
separation and yet, are permeable, allowing people to
exchange emotions and information. In her latest offering,
Separate and Connected: Human Boundaries and How They
Work, author and NLP trainer, Anné Linden explores the
subject of human psychological boundaries and how to manage
those boundaries in a wide variety of contexts.
Boundaries allow for
both separation and connectedness. When boundaries are too
rigid, they become walls, preventing empathy and
connection. Conversely, weak boundaries result in a loss of
a sense of self. For those with imbalanced boundaries,
separateness means loneliness and connectedness means
suffocation. Linden writes:
“The purpose of boundaries is to enable you to know and
understand yourself…as separate and unique from others,
while connecting with them; you can be a part of the world,
allowing the world to touch you as you remain distinct from
the world. The purpose of walls it to protect you from the
world, from being overwhelmed by the emotions of others, by
situations that are dangerous…The purpose of no boundaries
is to give up all distinctions and separation and lose
yourself in another, to merge with nature or a situation
that is gratifying, satisfying and enjoyable.” (p. 15)
Linden’s thorough treatment of this topic makes for
enlightening reading. Often, our boundaries constitute
defense mechanisms against feeling abandoned or controlled
by others. It is our continuing challenge to distinguish
between self and other. Linden also advises that we make
distinctions between thinking and doing, the part and the
whole, identity and description, as well the past, present
and future. Making all these distinctions relies on
maintaining and managing boundaries. To do so, we
continuously adjust our boundaries according to contextual
variables such as place, people, activity, time, and
gender. Linden tells us:
“Contextual boundaries help you to be more flexible and
have more choices; your more congruent with your
environment, show yourself in the most positive light, and
your resources are more available to you.” (p. 73)
The book analyzes and explains the cognitive and perceptual
patterns that support boundaries:
-
Ego Strength: Our likes, dislikes,
and values give us a separate sense of self.
-
Self in Process: Experiencing the
self as an evolving work in process, we see ourselves as
in all facets, as individuals with a past, present, and
future.
-
Empathy: By vicariously experiencing
another’s emotions, we understand and connect with them.
-
Noticing Difference: Our ability to
make distinctions, compare and generalize allows us to
know the world around us and understand what makes each
person and event unique.
-
Observer Self: When we take an
observer view of self, we understand more about how we
relate to others and how others perceive us.
We create and maintain boundaries through three skills: 1)
simultaneously recognizing sameness and difference; 2)
connecting to the body and using it as a “physiological
filter” of experience and 3) using peripheral vision and
peripheral hearing to pay attention to the background, while
focusing attention on the foreground. These skills help us
to more accurately assess the environment and how we
interact with it. With such skills, we minimize distortions
and “make better decisions about who we are, what we’re
capable of, and what the world is.”
Ms. Linden discusses the implications of boundaries in a
wide variety of human relationships such as teacher-student,
therapist-client, parent-child, managers and employees,
colleagues, and lovers. She also looks at boundaries within
the self. She examines how we connect with the “parts”
within ourselves and negotiate with these
sub-personalities. I was especially taken with her
description of a change agent as a FAIR WITNESS – one who is
caring, yet objective, without attachment to others’
outcomes, without the need to help, heal, or fix, yet fully
present and holding the other in positive regard. Linden
proposes that we act from this perspective when negotiating
among our parts.
Linden ends her book with an astute discussion of issues
related to identity and self-esteem. She teaches us how
culture and experience shape identity, beliefs, and
self/world concepts, and these, in turn, influence our
boundaries. Her Identity Ritual and Identity Meditation
help readers have a “concrete experience of identity.”
Similarly, she guides her readers in an understanding of the
many facets of self-esteem, with the message that the self
is constantly evolving. By learning to manage our
boundaries, we come to accept our emotions and expectations,
we learn to love ourselves and find a personal life
mission.
Conclusion
Anné Linden directs the New York Training Institute for NLP
and is one of the most highly-respected trainers in NLP.
She has written two other excellent books: The Enneagram
and NLP (Metamorphous Press, 1994) and Mindworks:
Unlock the Promise Within (Andrews McMeel, 1997), both
well-received by psychologically-minded readers worldwide.
I had the delight to interview her in 2004 for Anchor
Point magazine and it is a distinct pleasure to review
this book.
What is worthwhile about this book is the way in which the
author helps readers to so completely understand a process
that usually operates at the non-conscious level. She gives
her readers the skills and tools to make informed decisions
about when and where to increase or decrease boundaries with
others and within the self.
While Ms. Linden does not cite other authors who have
written on this subject, and does not draw upon research
studies, she does bring to this book over 25 years of
experience in working with human relationships as an
accomplished trainer, advisor and consultant. Linden’s
writing has a familiar, personal feel, with the tone of a
friendly, insightful mentor. She peppers each chapter with
real-life examples and teaching tales to bring home her main
points. She includes self-help exercises, useful for the
individual reader, or a trainer working with a group, or a
coach or therapist making an assignment for a client.
Separate and Connected is a book for anyone who wants
a better understanding about this often-ignored aspect of
human relationships and provides valuable information for
therapists and coaches who work with clients having boundary
issues. The information applies to situations we encounter
every day. Read it and you could acquire a deeper
understanding of yourself in relation to those around you,
and expand your flexibility in truly being comfortable with
others, while maintaining your own unique individuality.
Anné, thank you for yet another gem!
Reviewed by:
Judith E. Pearson, Ph.D. is a Licensed
Professional Counselor, certified hypnotherapist, and
certified NLP trainer, with a private practice in
Springfield, Virginia. Her web site is
www.engagethepower.com.
Be
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